This Moment

This is life. Right now. Captured in a moment.

I was the kid and teen...and very much the adult (ok person lol) hiding from the camera.

Seeing myself in photos and videos was too much. I hated it! Still do. My anxiety with pics never lessened, I just learned to hide better.

The more I covered my face, the more others harassed me and took my pics without my consent. It became a game, "Haha! I got you 😜"

I couldn't stand it. It felt like an intrusion. So, I adapted!

I'd pose, but always contorting my expression to intentionally look silly. Being ugly on purpose was better than seeing my (actual) face.

I had an illusion of control back but never full confidence. Not the confidence I'd see in my friends when they gathered for selfies for fun.

Hiding in plain sight became the easiest mask to hold. Smile for the camera. Take the shot. Never look at the picture or even ask for one for myself.

Yet, time passes. Life changes. I've missed loving me as I am in each moment that I've lived.

I've missed seeing myself through the lens of others who love me and share life with me. To see the mid-cackle expression when I'm joyful. The pursed lip, get-down face when I'm celebrating life through dance.

People witness you and want to rejoice in you. Why? Because you're beauty incarnate. You are life.

The more pics and videos I take of myself, the more joy I feel. Not because I'm finally confident and love all of me.

Backwards. I love me because I see the joy in my face and the playfulness in my spirit in these images, in these moments.

It's still not easy. But my face is my own. I'm learning to love it...(because) it is mine. Mine alone.

If you're struggling with your image, consider recording yourself in your natural element. Just doing you. Maybe there's more joy and love for you than you know.

Thank you for capturing this moment, @victoriama